Do you have a safe word?
How "AVOCADO" became a word that built trust, safety, and a sprinkle of joy at work.
A lesson in trust, and that AVOCADO is the perfect safe word.
I was hired into a dream role at the same time that my relationship was completely falling apart. It was this amazing opportunity at a tech start-up, and my days were chaotic, schedules jam packed with meeting my teams, connecting with my peers and aligning with leadership on goals for scaling. I felt electric! The energy and idea of being able to drive change and implementation across this organization fueled my inner child. I love and thrive off of a “chaos into clarity” mindset. My process-oriented brain flourishes.
Going home after work was another story. The nights were long as the instant I walked through the door it was an all-out war. I couldn’t make my partner happy; he couldn’t make himself happy. The factor in this story, he is an alcoholic.
Here I was, in this brand-new role. I was going into an office where I connected with my teammates, we were spinning up new teams, leading process and program management. I was IN MY ELEMENT. What my teams didn’t know, I was hiding the lack of sleep and the exhaustion the emotional warfare going on behind the walls of my home. The one place I was supposed to feel safe.
We were heading into this week long, companywide quarterly planning. We had team sessions, long days of full room planning. As a scrum master, we are the facilitators. Leaders of the conversations, guiding cross team planning. We are “ON” all day, and by days end, I would be mentally, though gratifyingly, drained. Post work, there was always a happy hour, time made to connect, to let the day go and relax. I would join for a short time, too worried about what was waiting at home if I stayed late. Late being 5:30pm.
Every night I was met with an argument. Hours of baseless accusations, anger, and verbal vomit. And every morning, I woke with apologies, shame, and begging for forgiveness, “I won’t do it again.”
Wash, rinse, repeat. Going to work became my saving grace, being able to shift into this continued energy and excitement, and I was actually building strong friendships with coworkers. Deep down, however, I knew I was still keeping them at arm’s length, not yet ready to trust anyone with what was going on in my home life.
I was a few months into this new role, and I was very aware of moments that I was short with my teammates. I was being reactive, not taking time to listen, and I was on edge from the emotional whiplash. Lack of sleep, and shoving down and disassociating from my personal life started to wear on me.
The day came for quarterly planning, I wanted to be ready, to be successful, and I knew what I needed. I arrived at the office at 7am, knowing my peer and manager would also be there early. Our office was this big, airy open concept. Large windows and bright lights, though that morning the lights were still dim, it was still quiet. Just the calm that I needed.
I found my manager, “Gabe, I need help,” I felt my voice shaky as I fought back the tears. We moved over into a booth, one that was just out of plain view if others arrived. Settling in, I was able to share what was happening, and asked for guidance and support.
“I haven’t been myself; I know that I have been snapping and reactive lately. I am very aware of it,” I said very slowly, with intention.
“I am going through a really rough time with my partner at home,” I said quietly, anticipating some kind of reaction. Instead, he was listening intently as I shared my story, giving me space. The shame I felt, the fear I felt, began to dissipate.
He tilted his head to listen as I continued, “I deal with stress with humor. So, I am would like to propose creating a safe word for this week. This way, if you hear me being short or being reactive, we can use the safe word to allow me to collect myself. To give me a sign to reset.”
He got this smile on his face and chuckled, “And what is this safe word?”
I started laughing myself, and said with a grin knowing this was going to be fun, “the safe word is AVOCADO.”
A full look of surprise and confusion expressed across his face and we both had a full belly, head kicked back laugh. “Avocado?!” he questioned.
“Here’s the idea”, I continued, my walls down and feeling trust, “you can come up to me and say how hungry you are and want some avocado toast or you could express how much you love guacamole, or any way that would like to incorporate avocado in a sentence.”
“This is great, done! The safe word is avocado,” he agreed and offered support and grace for me in that moment to feel safe and supported. He thanked me for sharing my story, and for turning it into something we could support each other when needed.
As we sat in the booth, contemplating how many ways to use avocado, our teammate, Noel, approached the booth and was curious about the conversation happening, “What are you two laughing about?” He was another person who I had built a great friendship with.
“We have a safe word for planning this week,” I said, knowing he’d totally embrace the idea.
Noel’s also the kind of person who encourages fun in the workplace; he is also a supportive human being, funny, sharp wit. I gave him a quick run down on the WHY, expressing my need for balance, and sharing in “the safe word is avocado. It can be used in any form, letting the other 2 of us know assistance is needed.”
He was immediately on board!
Our planning sessions were broken out by teams, and were distributed across the office conference rooms and within the full workspace that our office was located. The idea of the safe word, extended into using the avocado emoji in Slack.
“OH! AND, since we are going to be running different planning sessions, we can send an avocado in Slack when we need back up for any sessions!” I squealed with excitement! THIS. WAS. AMAZING!
As we got up from the table that morning, I feel a ton of weight fall off my shoulders knowing I had these two amazing men supporting me. I felt free! I had been hesitant and grappled with sharing my private life, but that morning I decided that I could be open and honest and give Gabe and Noel the chance to show me that they were the kind and supporting teammates I knew they were.
I felt like myself again. I felt I could set aside what I was holding so tight to, and be present and truly enjoy that week; doing what I love and knowing I had support. Each morning, we did a quick team check in, making sure to leave what didn’t serve us at the door and to focus on what our teams needed. Coming to the office, I regained the air of energy about me, the excitement I thrive off of, and embraced trusting these two. I made it through the rest of that week, without any avocado.
The best story to come out of implementing AVOCADO: Noel had found me one morning, laughing he began to tell me how he had come across Gabe sitting on a small round stool, quietly whispering, “Avocado, avocado, avocado”, when his team was having a planning issue. A successful safe word!
Something else that expanded out of our safe word, as we kept using AVOCADO, was a few teammates who started to catch on. I began to get approached, “What’s the deal with avocado? Tell me what avocado means. Who is all in on this? Why are you 3 secretive about this avocado?” At first, I felt myself want to retract, to keep this to myself.
I ended up letting the control go, sharing the WHY. Trusting. While I didn’t share full insight to my personal life as I had with Gabe and Noel, it was enough to explain that I had been going through a very difficult time, and I needed support in a fun, effective way so it wouldn’t have to feel heavy. Wanting humor vs pity.
The more I shared, the more it expanded, and the more the support grew. It was AMAZING! I was an awe of how much others understood the idea, who embraced it, and who felt that they could also add to the AVOCADO movement.
And one day, a stuffed avocado showed up. It became the mascot, the symbol of support and trust in our small engineering team. If you were having a bad day, or needed cheer, the avocado would find its way to your desk.
To this day, Noel still holds the original avocado. And to this day, I still share this story with others, to build trust, to create openness, and to offer space to feel safe.
Lesson in trust, give others the opportunity to prove themselves to you in difficult times.
And always have a safe word. *AVOCADO TAX BELOW!
